The Life Of Ash

...yay! i have a car, at last. it has been about 8/9months since i scrapped my car.
i have been walking everywhere, initially it was ok. it had benefits, more money,firm thighs and a tight butt!
it was starting to wear thin tho, i felt a little isolated having to rely on people for lifts to places or (heaven forbid!) public transport!
ive been saving the extra cash i earned at work, when life was stressful and i hate my area manager!
today i spent that cash in about 3seconds! i got myself a little run around. so happy!
im independant again! yay yay!

i just wanna say thank you to everyone who wished me happy birthday!
it wasnt as bad as i was expecting, i had some lovely presents and a really good evening with my friends.
they came with wine and presents...the chinese came later! i'm going to be having it for lunch and dinner today!!
i had some lovely presents, really nice jewellery and the usual bits and bobs but my favourite was a scrap book with loads of pictures of me and my friends, was so funny, i realise ive spent 25years pulling faces!!best present ever!
i still feel crappy physically and mentally but i'm determinded to not let it get to me, i have once again joined up to internet dating.....i dont expect much from it but i have updated my match.com profile!
i didnt have much sucess from internet dating before but i live in hope!!!
i now have a whole week off work?!!!! what shall i do with myself!!

tommorrow i will a quatre of a centuary old.
today i feel 125 years old.....i have a stinking cold and am still feel low about the whole mr m saga!
maybe tommorrow will be the turning point in my life, maybe i will finally feel like a grown up and stop being scared of everything, maybe i will get laid again at some point this year!....maybe,maybe, maybe............

i am not looking forward to the inpending birthday celebrations, it always an anit climax.....hey ho at least there'll be cake......

.......yes folks were back in that nasty place, again.

2 weeks ago mr m left his wife, i kept my distance didnt push, didnt get my hopes up coz lets face it he's not mine.
i also felt a strong possibility that he'd go back to his wife and family. i was all prepared for that one....what i was not prepared for however was that he'd start seeing someone from his office without a thought to me.
in a word, im devasted. shocked. numb. tearful.
i did not expect it to hit me so hard.
there were rumours about him and this girl about a year ago, he said nothing was happening between them, just coffee and sometimes lunch....me, being the guilable fucker that i am, actually believed him!
i feel like a prize twat for actually trusting a man who was cheating on his wife!?
some of you out there may think that i deserved it for being a bit of a whore, i'm inclined to agree. whats that saying what comes around goes around??
i would also like to point out that mistresses get a bad rep but just so you know we have emotions just like everyone else.
to make things worse, he really didnt think i'd be so upset because it was me who suggested we stop seeing each other.
i did this for good reason, we had the best evening together,, very intimate.
it made me realise that no matter how good it felt to be with him i'd always feel like his dirty little secret. i also didnt want to push him into leaving his wife as he'd resent me for wrecking his marriage if he and i didnt work out. so i took a step back and a gamble and pushed him away.....straight into the arms of another women!!! you gotta laugh at the ridiculousness of it all!!!??
i am well a truely fucked. he said all these things, i was his soul mate specail blah blah blah. was any of it real. he claims so, but i think not given that in such a short amount of time hes over it all.

when will i ever learn. nothing good ever comes of these things.
why cant i ever find someone normal?

..............or should that be a quatre life crisis.
my birthday is coming up, i will be 25. i know to some people they will have a good giggle roll their eyes and say wow how old 25?!(please note sarcastic tone.
i dont have an issue with my age just my lack of direction since i left school. i feel like i'm 25 and have achieve the grand total of fuck all!
 
some guys i know are rowing across an ocean and rasing loads of money in the process, it is the challege of a life time. they could die safe in the knowledge that they've made a difference and ahcieved something of note. i, on the other hand cannot think of a single thing that has made a difference.......on the basis of this i am trying to change my outlook and view on life.
i will be partcipating in the midnight walk, 13 miles round my town for st catherines hospice. its not rowing an ocean admittidly but its a start.

it also doesnt help that i am not enjoying work at the moment. to out it lightly, im bored shitless, now its not the ashleigh show i'm finding there is no challenge in it. i do as i'm told and perform tasks that i'd give to a saturday girl. i dont like my new managers style of doing things yet i'm unsure how to handle things to improve the situation. how can i critise(constructivly) without being negative?
if i leave my current job i dont want to go straight to another retail job, i want to leave for something that actually inspirse me for more than 5 seconds of my day.

finally, as some of you maybe aware, i finished with mr m. i thought he need space and to be free of me,to help save his  marriage. how wrong you can be.
we've still been in contact through text just not as much as before. past couple of weeks tho, ive thought that somethings been up...... then yesterday and the day before texting has been like pulling teeth. i did think maybe his wife had found out but no its worse, he moved out. not sure how i feel about this little bomb shell but time will tell.
i dont think it will last, he'll go back when he realises what a shitter it is being on his own.

think thats all today ............

............it worse than i feared!
for awhile now ive been banging on about meeting my new boss, i had high hopes for her.......i worked a week with her, i had a few lil niggles about her but thought they were just teething troubles.now i'm not so sure.
ive just had some time off work, i popped in yesterday to get my hours for this week and well.....its got alot worse.
the place looks awful and i dont know what to say when i go back....i cant lie. i was managing on my own for ages and it never looked this bad.
shit. help. i dont want to go back.

..................i met my new boss.
i think we're going to get aalong just fine.
she came to the shop for the day just to settle in and meet afew people, generally get a head start on what she'd like to do with the place.
she swears. for me thats a plus point. i know some people say swearing is a poor use of vocab for people who cant think of better words but i like to swear, its expressive.
also we've got this nasty cardboard stand that i hate, she didnt like it either. i think we're supposed to keep them. it got damaged accidently on purpose! he he. my kind of thinking!
was kinda strange having someone else with me again but i'm sure i'll get used to it.
at lease i wont have to do rotas anymore!!! yay!

.....has come to an end.
my ipod has departed this world. it worked this morning now it doesnt.
i treid charging it and nothing happened.
worse still its outside the one year warranty.

im going to cry.......

is horrible.
i really miss texting him.
i had a good weekend and it suddenly dawned on me sunday night, that i wouldnt be able to text him about it on monday. share in my glory of winning at the dogs.

when people say i cried myself to sleep, i generally want to say dont be rediculous but i now its true.
i had my first bought of tears over what i'm going to do.
i have to say i hate crying in bed, your tears run the wrong way and end up in your ears, also because your laying down your snot has nowhere to go so you just get really bunged up.
i awoke this morning to a blocked nose, crusty face(due to crying not dribble,makes a change!) and puffy bloodshot peepers.
wow i'm soo attractive.
whoever said a good cry makes you feel better is talking bollocks.

my flat mate doesnt get it. she thinks because me and mr m never had a proper relationship then ive not got a whole lot to miss but i tried to explain its more than that.......its about how i feel when i'm with him and the way we talk to each other. i know is not 'real' but it doesnt mean any less because of it.

i just keep thinking, what if i push him away and loose him foever?
my flatmate said time heals all, thats crap. yes im a years time, i wont think about him so much or miss him as much but the hurt will stil be there just not so fresh at the surface.
but i guess i cant keep something that isnt mine.
sigh.

..................are the best.
last night i discovered that friends are the best tonic!
i was so set that i didnt want to go last night, it was all i could think about but my flat mate made me. i got all dressed up, pretty dress and shoes. felt kinda pretty..ish.
i was just about holding it together and could think of nothing but going home but seeing my friends really lifted my spirits, they are such a good bunch of girls, funny.
we went to the dogs at hove, there is nothing i love more than gambaling and i'm very competative so its a good evening even if i dont win, which i normally dont.......last night i had the winning streak! 6 wins! i was only doing small bets but its the rush of it, gets my heart beating!
once we came across a dog with a suggestive name the tone of the evening was lowered some what but i have never laughed so much in one evening.
we ate while we were there too and because i was set on not going i had no time to obsess about eating and being anxious.
 i ate all was fine, it never even crossed my mind! so i was winning all round!
we then moved on to a wicked lil jazz club in brighton, the place was down in a basement and packed......the live music made up for it. was brillaint the girl singing had a phanominal voice. they played 2 sets and we staryed till the end.
i dont drink so was the designated driver, by the time we got home it was half 3, i was touch peckish so by the time i'd had biscuits and a chapter of book it was just coming up to 4!
i can tell im old as i woke at 7, dozed for anther few hours, safe to say i feel wiped out today but hey ho at least i'm hangover free and happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!