i know i whine about my brother quiet alot but here is a really good example of why!
he has come back to the uk for a visit, bringing his partner and child. i hate babies but shes really cute!!! proud auntie.
anyway, so i booked the weekend of work so we could do something together. he hasnt been in all day, they went off to visit some friends which is fair enough but he never even called to tell me this, heard it from my mum.
pisses me right off.
dont know why i bother.

aside from the excitment im tinged with sadness and longing.

mr married and i have been texting. this time of yeah reminds me of him, evenings in pubs, laughing a whole lot of very very goo kissing. just little sights and sounds transport me back to that deliriously happy moment in time, or tiny things make me think of him.

im still holding strong, i havent seen him, there have been many requests and i miss him so.

he always knows just what to say to make my cold and bitter heart melt. genuine thaw not just an imagined one. im good at convinsing myself of things.
ive tried for ages to convince myself that i dont feel what i think i feel but its just not working. does that mean its real and not imagined.??

EXCITEMENT!!!

you have to go in fancy dress too.......what u wanted to be when you were a grown up!

ive had a bit of a weird time of it lately. not weird exactly just not good.
i lady i work with has been having a hard time of it lately. alot of family memembers and relatives have been ill and alot of them have died,she still remained happy and up beat but at christmas her dad became ill. he went into hospital and after a load of tests etc etc they found that he had cancer, a major lump in his stomach and alot of masses in secondy locations. the doctors thought that he'd only live a few weeks but he really perked up when he was sent home. through all this my work collegue has remained strong and happy never letting show how bad her personal was......until last monday when she called in to say her dad had been taken into hospital to have his lungs drained. she said she'd been on her way when her mum called her to say the doctors had advised her to get into the hospital quickly. this is like doctor speak for about to die. Natilie said to me 'i dont think i can do it, i cant watch him die' those words broke my heart. what could i say? if i'd have been there i'd have hugged her. so instead i told her to be strong and think of her mum. that if she needed anything at all she was to call me. was totally horrible i hate to feel helpless.

two people i work with have recently lost thier dads, its horrible, it only serves to remind of my own dad's fragile health and that sometime in the not too diststant future it could be me calling in to work. i really love my dad.

ok so i know that i tend to bitch about my flat mate alot but i doesnt mean i dont care.
last night we went to the pub, just a casual drink and a catch up. so it shouldnt be a big deal....wrong. i come home from work and the first thing she says is she has nothing to wear. she has lots of nice clothes but her issue is that she doesnt look nice in any of them, which is complete crap. i know we all have issues with our apperance but this is like a major issue, so much so that sometimes she doesnt go out.....in fact other than work she rarely goes out at all.

thats not right, is it???

my flat mate drives me mad....i cant believe shes in a sulk about something so juvenille!

im going to the cinema 2mw with friends of ours. she has already seen said film so i didnt mention it....until now.
she responded with arent i invited then, i said of course you but i didnt think you'd want to as you've already seen it.(shes one of these who doesnt see a film twice at cinema) her exact words,'its not very nice not to invite me!' how old are we 12!!!!!!
so i say well its no biggy,so come and shes gets the arse and says no its all right!

i also think you dont wait for invites if you wanna do something u just ask!? esp something like cinema,you sit in the dark for 3 hours so its hardly gate crashing!

shes so bloody touchy! grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im so fucking clumsy i cant fucking believe.
if i didnt hurt so much right now it would be funny.
im such a retard. are you all ready for the scale of my latest accident???
I FELL OUT OF THE BATH!!!!!!!

Im in the shower getting nice and clean and appreciating the power shower after a shit two weeks of house sitting, my folks have a crap show...when wobble,plop and smack there i am butt naked on the the bathroom floor,my flat mate at the door asking if im ok!!???

i keep giggling coz its so funny but then it hurts and it not funny!!
i fell out backwards too! ive really hurt my back and elbows. smacked my head on the bathroom floor,which is this lovely hard slabs of slate. incidently inches from the bog.

i keep having nasty visions where i'm hurt and my flat mate has to help!!! she keeps making jokes now...i didnt wanna go to exercise 2mw night and she it was an extreme way to get out of it!!!??

i just totally lost my balance,sooo embarassed i just had to share with u all!!!

why cant i be one of those girls who is classy and posied instead of constantly injuring myself???

i havent blogged for a while.
ive just had a whole week off work and ive doen fuck all. thats right...nothing!!! guess what...im so boorreeed, i actually wanna go back to work!!

had a little wobble tho, was not fun. about 2 years ago i had alot of trouble with anxiety and panic, it all focused around a new man. i was pretty messed up for a while afterwards. had some counsiling,i cried alot. i thought i'd got it under control but then i moved house and it all came to the surface again. i'm at the point now where i feel ive finally got it under control. i came off the pill, seems i now cant have any of them as they are make me a bit koo koooo! so im back to my hormones doing their own thing?!! its horrible feel like im about 13 again. lots of pain and a spotty chops to go with it, anywho, basicly now the only time i have trouble with anxiety is around my period.
so i get my period this week and the my nan asks me to dinner and i freak!
i should explain that my anxiety is around food and social situations involving food,i would like to clarify i dont have an eating disorder.
so i said yes to my nan spent a whole day worring about it and then rang nan the next day and blew her out, then spent another day feeling really guilty and silly about it.
its not like ive never eaten with my grandparents before just for some reason it was an issue this time.

pisses me right off that i cant control it and be normal like everyone else. i'd love to be able to say yes to things and not spend ages worrying about it all!!!!!!!!

here i am at home on my own. staying in.
i have taken every avalible step to keep it this way.

1)im in my pj's
2) no make up
3) hair in a towel
4) a really smelly dinner of chilli and garlic bread
5) i text him and said no

with all of the above going against me there is no way im leaving the house.

its horrible i do really wanna see him but i know that each time i go back it will become harder and harder to let him go.
what i would give to be safe in his arms and having his hands on me and his lips on mine..........anywho i digress. he does have lovely arms tho......

mr married popped back into my life. when i least expected it.
my birthday nothing major just a text saying happy birthday mango( he has lots of nick names for me most of which are to do with food)

this was the downward trend, more texts. me finding reasons to get drunk, because if i was drunk i had an excuse. the vodka made me do it!!!

then of course the inevtitable, we meet up. now i had hoped i'd be immune to him after afew months of perspective, but alas he was still hot and very funny. was like we'd never been apart! i did kinda run away from him on our first reunion, i thought i was being all strong by not kissing him but all i did was go home and cry!!

things returned to normal....well nearly. it wasnt the same it was like he didnt need me as much nor with same passion or intensity. less texts and less of him. he had been promoted at work but it was still like something was missing. i'd text, wait all day for a reply and when i got one it was really lame. i was starting to resent and hate him and i didnt want to, i wanted him to be a nice memory.not a nasty one like all the other wankers ive been near.
i was very grown up and made the sensible choice of not seeing him again or being in contact with him so much.

i was doing very well i havent seen him since november and only text about once a week.
the trouble is....i miss him. he so easy to be with and i feel like a lighter version of myself when im with him.

which now leaves em with a dilema, hes asked to see me...2mw night???
to meet or not to meet???