the life of ash

i havent blogged for a while.
ive just had a whole week off work and ive doen fuck all. thats right...nothing!!! guess what...im so boorreeed, i actually wanna go back to work!!

had a little wobble tho, was not fun. about 2 years ago i had alot of trouble with anxiety and panic, it all focused around a new man. i was pretty messed up for a while afterwards. had some counsiling,i cried alot. i thought i'd got it under control but then i moved house and it all came to the surface again. i'm at the point now where i feel ive finally got it under control. i came off the pill, seems i now cant have any of them as they are make me a bit koo koooo! so im back to my hormones doing their own thing?!! its horrible feel like im about 13 again. lots of pain and a spotty chops to go with it, anywho, basicly now the only time i have trouble with anxiety is around my period.
so i get my period this week and the my nan asks me to dinner and i freak!
i should explain that my anxiety is around food and social situations involving food,i would like to clarify i dont have an eating disorder.
so i said yes to my nan spent a whole day worring about it and then rang nan the next day and blew her out, then spent another day feeling really guilty and silly about it.
its not like ive never eaten with my grandparents before just for some reason it was an issue this time.

pisses me right off that i cant control it and be normal like everyone else. i'd love to be able to say yes to things and not spend ages worrying about it all!!!!!!!!

here i am at home on my own. staying in.
i have taken every avalible step to keep it this way.

1)im in my pj's
2) no make up
3) hair in a towel
4) a really smelly dinner of chilli and garlic bread
5) i text him and said no

with all of the above going against me there is no way im leaving the house.

its horrible i do really wanna see him but i know that each time i go back it will become harder and harder to let him go.
what i would give to be safe in his arms and having his hands on me and his lips on mine..........anywho i digress. he does have lovely arms tho......

mr married popped back into my life. when i least expected it.
my birthday nothing major just a text saying happy birthday mango( he has lots of nick names for me most of which are to do with food)

this was the downward trend, more texts. me finding reasons to get drunk, because if i was drunk i had an excuse. the vodka made me do it!!!

then of course the inevtitable, we meet up. now i had hoped i'd be immune to him after afew months of perspective, but alas he was still hot and very funny. was like we'd never been apart! i did kinda run away from him on our first reunion, i thought i was being all strong by not kissing him but all i did was go home and cry!!

things returned to normal....well nearly. it wasnt the same it was like he didnt need me as much nor with same passion or intensity. less texts and less of him. he had been promoted at work but it was still like something was missing. i'd text, wait all day for a reply and when i got one it was really lame. i was starting to resent and hate him and i didnt want to, i wanted him to be a nice memory.not a nasty one like all the other wankers ive been near.
i was very grown up and made the sensible choice of not seeing him again or being in contact with him so much.

i was doing very well i havent seen him since november and only text about once a week.
the trouble is....i miss him. he so easy to be with and i feel like a lighter version of myself when im with him.

which now leaves em with a dilema, hes asked to see me...2mw night???
to meet or not to meet???

suprises really piss me off.
i like control and i like to know as much of what is happening in advance as possible.....the trouble with suprises is ive got one of those faces that show exactly how i feel.... if i hate a suprise it shows.
so imagine my face when i came home to my flat,to hear voices in the lounge..... the voices belong to sally and martin!!! ( look back if u cant remember who they are!)

well it was lovely and awkward to start with.... i almost forgot to say congratulations to their recent engagement.but i'd like to say when i did it was very convicing,like i really meant it. im too good.

i made them tea chatted and laughed, asked after their well being. on the down side my face was red. it tends to go this way when dealing with un expected stress.
watching them together tho,i can see they make a really nice couple and martin looks diff to how i remember him and not in a good way. hes put on a little weight and he was a big guy before. it guess its coz hes happy.

anyway im so grown up i wish them well and hope they are happy togther la di da da..............

i feel better now

xx

as with all good things they come to an end.
me and mr married finished. not my choice either.he text me saying it was over.

i was all excited as i had plans to see him one thursday evening in may, when he txts me out of the blue saying he couldnt do it anymore. he felt too guilty and needed to concentrate on his family. he said he loved me and that why it had to end blah blah blah........
now i know a few people will be scoffing at this...they will think he said he loved me just to soften the blow but i'd like to say ( this will shock alot of people and especially you singleman) we never had sex. 6months of seeing each other and no sex. this is a fucking record for me i'm usually a 4 dates and bring it on type of girl.

so i really can say i believe him when he said what he felt for me....sex never got in the way. its no that i didnt want to or didnt try to initate things just that things were easier without. it kept things simpler. think we both knew that once the shagging started we'd be a lost cause and there would be no way out.

i hate to say this... im a bit of a tough cookie but he broke my heart.
i felt phsically sick and couldnt find a breath. it knocked all the air out of mt lungs just reading that message.
i was, however very classy about it. i accepted it for what it was and wished him well and told him never to contact me again....i then promptly disappeared into my room and cried for hours. i hate crying it so degrading and leaves you looking like shit not to mention weak.

so i did my best to pick myself up and move on, cried alot, nearly every day. i couldnt really talk to my friends because they didnt approve to start with and were just releived when it was over.
the trouble was everywhere i went reminded me of him.i tried to forget hima and move on.i even went on a date( what a fucking disaster, thats another story tho)

and just when i think ive forgotten about him and started to function agian he pops back into my life...........

then i'll begin.

so i left myself and mr married snogging in a car park on a very chilly january.
we continued to see each other every couple of weeks. i was more than happy with the arrangment and had already sectioned him off to a certain area in my head called 'dont get your hopes up'
i regulally told myself that nothing would come of it,we had no future. i also used the he's a lying cheating scum bag line but to tell the truth i have never been happier.

when i was with him, everything else stopped. i stopped worrying for those few hours and just enjoyed myself.at the time i was going through a few personal issues that left me some what of a social retard. i knew i could say anything and he'd listen, not judge and look interested too.

he used to text me everyday and repled to my texts quickly, he was my every waking thought and as the weeks went on the feelings became more intense.
now im not the kinda girl to brandish the 'L' word around. if you dont mean it dont say it. plus some things are better left unsaid. it would just cause a whole heap of trouble in an already very difficult sistuation....now b4 u go thinking it was all roses around the door, it wasnt. he bailed on me a few times, saying he felt guilty or he had a bad feeling about the venue. we only ever used to meet in pubs, as i still lived with my parents then. once his wife even acussed him of being somewhere he said he wasnt...ie with me. that said my own feelings of guilt were pretty minimal!!!

the meetings continued through out the spring until disaster struck.........

well i have had some interesting news....some people i know have got engaged. i think this is just spiffing but i'm slightly mystified as to why??

there is again a bit of a story behind this one. this girl, sally was going out with a guy called martin. martin used to give me looks and alot of filthy chat when he thought sally wasnt looking. i would like to stress i wasnt amazingly good mates with sally, she was more a friend of a friend. Anyway they were together for bout a month and he dumped her. i left a respectable amount of time before making my move...quietly i might add.
we saw each other and no one knew. no sex( i was still virginal) just time together lil bit of kissing not much else. i tried for more but he'd never take it further. i mean come on he never even tried to get my bra off!!! something wrong here if u ask me.
but alas,all good things come to an end when u shit on your own doorstep.
some 'friend' saw us kissing in a club and ran straight to sally. needless to say she wasnt impressed, in my mind there was fuck all she could do about it as they werent together anymore.

well anyway, nothing came of me and martin, he was being a bit of a drip with the old my ex really hurt me line and at the time i was pissed off and hurt. years of hind sight leave me to believe i had a very luck escape.
about a year after sally and martin split they got back together and have been togther ever since, recently he proposed. congratulations.
sally doesnt really talk to me anymore(suprise suprise!) when she does she loves to make comments like 'martin and i are really really good im so in love...' and other beautys like 'are u suprised ash is single again?you know how she goes through men'

you may think all this talk is sour grapes on my part. its not. its not that i even want what shes got with martin, its that she fugly,has the personality of a dead fish. yet she still manages to bag a man.
where as i am better than her(big headed i know) and am forever fucking it up.

Do u think its karma for chasing other peoples men?