the life of ash

found this amaazing poem by ee cummings. i think its beautiful.

i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

maybe one day i wont think of him. maybe i wont miss him.
but today i feel reflective.
i wondered about when we were first together and it was all so intense and heady. did he ever look at his wife and feel angry that she wasnt me or did he look at me and feel angry i wasnt her. or did he simply wish he'd never met me??
most of the time i bumble along and think little of him but every so often i am over whelmed by the fact he's not in my life. he never will be again.
how will i ever find what we had with someone else?
 will anyone ever compare??

why is it little things wind me up??
before i start i want to asureyou that i dont think of myself as superior (cant even spell it)to anyone in anyway BUT.....................

why is it that i find people not on my wave length so irritating? namely, my friends.
i went to the cinema to see mamma mia( sold out )
so we saw wall-e instead, i went with my flat mate and her sister. now we picked it because we wanted a film that didnt involve too much thinking. u'd think this film was perfect.
so i lost myself for a few hours in a very sweet,cute simple film with a deeper undercurrent. it finished i felt calm and serene.
the two wally's i was with both said they didnt really get it and it was shit. i kid u not. whats to get its a childrens film!!!
now im not over clever, can even be a bit dim at times. i consider the two people i was with to be intelligent.....so why the fuck didnt they get it!!!???? ARAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

amazing things have happened?

now i no longer have mr married to concern my mind 24/7 its seems men are noticing me or is it that im noticing them.

strangley hopeful, not sure it will last.

and no i still havent managed a smile.

i think im in love lust.

i saw the most gorgeous man i have ever seen on my way to work this morning.
i dont do gorgeous men for a 2 reasons
1) i like the ugly ones
2) ugly ones try harder and are less conceited.
and when i say ugly i really mean not conventional looking. this guy is conventional, tall dark and handsome. so very very sexy and so very out of my league.
ive seen him a couple of times and dying to say hi or smile or something, but i just know i would make a complete twat of myself. im not poised and graceful. im clumsy.
he so gave me a look the other day so what did i do??? went bright red and looked at the floor...like a total mong!
how can i get his attention without looking sillier than i already do??

i arranged for an early birhtday treat for my dads bday. we went and saw katherine jenkins perform an open air concert in victoria park,haywards heath.

all in all, a wonderful evening.

i feel sad. low. lost. bored.pathetic.

i picked pathetic because i really shouldnt fel like this. i miss him so much and its just a few crappy texts making me feel this way.
its just so final. no more little messages to cheer me up no funny quips to make me giggle.
my phone no longer bleeps and if it does its usually my mum! maybe im mourning the loss of my phone than him texting me???
i think the worst thing is i can look into my future and know that i'll never hear, see or feel him again.
i hope he feels like shit too. im a bitch i know but i do hope he hasnt just gone back to life like nothing ever happened.
this is worse than before because i knew he'd come back to me......this time he wont.

i was dolly day dreaming on my way home from work when low and behold i bumped into a old'friend' of mine.
by friend i mean someone i used to get naughty with.
the pattern was we got drunk arranged to meet outside the club and get naughty behind the doctors surgery.
these were in the days when i loved to drink and everything was a good idea.
at this point i think i should mention he had an on off girlfriend and was also shagging a mate of mine(i didnt know and shes a bitch) i was also virginal so was only very good foreplay and i did end up popping the cherry with him.( totally crap!)
anywho ive wandered off the point......
yeah so ive bumped into him , we had a lil chat. hes still with the bitch but two very important things came into my mind while we talked...
1) hes really ugly (even tho his body is hot)
2) hes got a really squeeky voice, i sound manly next to him.
and oh make that 3 things
3) WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM!!!!!!!!

ha ha ha ha ha ha